Wednesday, August 24, 2011

Who am I?

I've been really busy with flyfishing clients, now that the rivers are back down and not flooding—but I was looking at this blog and wondering what to post when I noticed I had never introduced myself. So, here's a bit about me...

I grew up in the state of Washington, in the heart of Bigfoot country. I didn’t know a thing about Bigfoot until I got lost at the age of six and was then found and subsequently adopted by a kindly Bigfoot family. 
I lived with them until I was 16, when they finally gave up on ever socializing me into Bigfoot ways (I hated garlic and pancakes, refused to sleep in a nest, wouldn’t hunt wild pigs, and on top of it all, my feet were small, being a mere size 10). 
My Bigfoot family then sent me off to Evergreen State College in nearby Olympia, thinking it would be liberal enough to take care of a kid with few redeeming qualities, plus they liked the thick foliage around the college and figured I could live there, saving them money for housing. 
At Evergreen, I studied wildlife biology, eventually returning to the wilds, after first learning to read and write and regale everyone with my wild tales. I eventually became a flyfishing guide, and during my many travels in the wilds, I collected stories from others who have had contact with Bigfoot, also known as Sasquatch.
Because of my background, I'm considered to be the world’s foremost Bigfoot expert (at least so by myself, if not by anyone else). I've spent many a fun evening around campfires with my clients, telling stories. Some of those clients had some pretty good stories of their own, which I've put in my books.
If you think being raised by Bigfoot was easy, you might possibly be a romantic type. I still have dreams about my family, even though I haven't seen them for many years. I can never catch up with them, they're always either somewhere in British Columbia or Washington, depending on the season, and someone told me recently that they'd been spotted down in South Carolina.
But last night I dreamed we were all back together again and had rented an apartment in downtown Tucson, as that seemed an unlikely place for anyone to look for Bigfoot. Of course, they're nocturnal, so can live about anywhere and not be noticed, as everyone's usually asleep when they go out.
It was kind of a scary dream, because trying to live with a Bigfoot family in an urban apartment is the stuff of which nightmares are made. When I woke up, I was glad to be at home with my wife and dogs. Whew.
Maybe someday I'll write a book about being raised by Bigfoot. They can put it on the shelf next to the one about feral kids raised by wolves and such. Of course, it wasn't all bad by any means. I do know how to take care of myself in the wilds—how to find huckleberries, forecast the weather, and whack on trees with sticks when I'm bored. But I will say that growing up around Bigfoot kind of wrecked my sense of smell.
But I still don't understand why my wife would rather get take-out than eat out with me...

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